Public Affairs Office Personnel Profiles:
Sam Archer   |   Tessa Kensington   |   Cassie Queen

Sunday, September 1

Undefeated

For those of you unable to attend the Parrises Squares match this afternoon, our Enterprise team crushed the Deep Space 1 team by a score of 64-37. We had four goal drops (two by my own hand), two zingers, and seven zips, while the DS1 team only managed to score two goal drops (one because of a penalty reversal by the refs), one zinger, and six zips. To be honest, I don’t think the DS1 team was fully prepared for how skilled some of us “’Prisers” are at the game.

Injuries were minimal – on both sites, although, I may have slightly sprained my ankle when I was tossed from the pyramid. Bruises will, of course, be plentiful tomorrow, but that’s normal for a lively game of Parrises Squares.

The good news is, we fought hard, and we won. Deep Space 1 will likely think twice before challenging the Enterprise to another match. We’ve only played one ship-to-ship match since the Enterprise was commissioned, but, hey, we’re undefeated! That’s not a bad way to start this ship’s Parrises Squares record.

-Lieutenant Sam Archer

How To Play Parrises Squares

Parrises Squares is a team sport played on a large, raised, padded playing field, with a 13-step pyramid in the center, and two ramped "end zones" on both ends. Two eight-square defense grids reside at the bottom of each side of the pyramid, separating the pyramid from the end zones. A round vertical hoop extends above each end zone, and teams score points by throwing or placing a handball through the opposing team's hoop.

There are two teams in Parrises Squares, with four players on each team. Each team wears a game uniform featuring a different color. Colors vary according to team preference, however, both teams must wear a contrasting color while in play.

One player on each team is known as the Keeper. He or she defends his/her goal hoop, and must keep the opposing team from putting the ball through that hoop. The Keeper must remain in either the last row of squares on the defense grid, or within the ramped end zone. He/she cannot participate in the offensive strategies taking place in other areas of the playing field. The Keeper is equipped with a padded ion mallet designed to extend his/her reach in the case of thrown balls, or to help fight off opponents that enter his/her defensive area.

The other three players play offense and defense as required. Their task is to keep the opposing team from capturing the ball and crossing the pyramid to score, while simultaneously capturing and passing the ball themselves, and attempting to cross the pyramid to score for their team.

Players score for their team by doing one of two things: they can throw the ball, from anywhere on the field, so that it goes through their goal hoop, or they can fight their way past the opposing Keeper, and place the ball place directly through the hoop. Balls thrown from the top of the pyramid, that go through the goal hoop ("zingers"), score five points. Balls thrown from anywhere else on the field ("zips") score two points. Balls placed directly through the hoop in the end zone ("goal drops") score ten points.

If a ball goes out of play, a replacement is tossed in from the sidelines. The new ball enters play at the same place it left the field, and any player may recover it to continue the game.

In addition to the 12-step pyramid, there is a wall on the non-field sides of the pyramid so that players are forced to go up and over the pyramid. A padded "pit" exists outside both sides of the playing field to minimize injury from players falling off the pyramid. If a player falls into the pit, they must re-enter the playing field by way of the access ramps on their side of the pyramid. Game play continues while a player is returning to the field, so their absence can be a strategic advantage to the opposing team.

Only one offensive player may enter the opponent's defended end zone at any given time. If they leave the end zone, another teammate may jump down onto the zone and attempt to score through that hoop. Only the Keeper may defend within the end zone.

A standard game of Parrises Squares consists of four quarters of fifteen minutes each, with breaks of five minutes in between each quarter. Substitute players may be swapped into play during any of those five minute quarter breaks. If a player is injured and unable to finish the match, a substitute may enter the game. If there are no substitute players on a team, that team must continue the game with with one less player on the field.

The team that scores the most points by the end of the fourth quarter wins. If games are tied after four quarters, successive 15-minute quarters are added until one team finishes with more points.

-Lieutenant Sam Archer